I am a huge PokeMan fan just like everyone else (if you aren't then you must BURRRN). No, I didn't say Pokemon, I said PokeMan, the Phoenix Games version that may or may not exist. (also, I don't want Nintendo suing me). Well, anyways, I was surfing on Ebay because I was looking for a possessed game or lost episode that I could watch. I couldn't find any, which is strange, because everyone in the Deletion Log Refugees can find loads of them there. Are they lying to me?
I did, however, receive a new PokeMan game from my friend Max (lets just call him that. I'd use his REAL name, but I don't feel like it because I honestly don't give a crap). It came with a note that read this: “Yo, James, if you are reading this, I am likely dead or something. This may seem like an innocent PokeMan game, but it is not. It is possessed by demons, skeletons, and even Nicholas Cage. If you have this game, please destroy it. I can't do it myself because of reasons I am to lazy, err.... to dumb to explain. Please burn the game”. So naturally, in a totally rational reaction, I drove my Volvo to his house in Iowa to crucify him with some thumbtacks! I'm kind of a D-bag! Anyways, after that totally justified action on my part, I decided to play the PokeMan game. What could possibly go wrong?
The disk magically turned into a game cartridge due to lazy writing. Proofreading? What's that? Uh, anyways, the design of the cartridge was somewhat unsettling. It showed the fan favorite PokeMan Peekuhchoo (everyone knows him), but it had no face. Its only feature on its faceless face was a mustache. It was also computer animated with CGI so horrendous and terrifying that I am to lazy, err, scared to describe it. Also, It had hyper-realistic Squidwards for feet and had Sonic.exe trying to give it bunny ears. But the worst part? If you gaze at the cartridge at 3:33 am, it transforms into the Snow White and the Seven Clever Boys cover art! And also, the title of the game was shown, PokeMan: Licked Dandelion.exe.
So after I put the GameBoy cartridge into my Phillips CDI (that's how this works, right?), I went to the title screen. It was the Super Street Fighter IV Arcade Edition screen at first, but then it flashed another image for exactly 0.00000000000000000000000001 seconds. I remember EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT IT. It showed Cilan from the Unova Anime (everyone remembers him, right?), except it showed him with two black circles photo shopped in front of his eyes and holding a box of hyper-realistic Walgreen's store brand (aka Nice) macaroni and cheese (if you've ever had it before, you'd know how infernal it is). And next to him was an Unown shaped like a question mark, except it was made of frozen blood and/or ketchup. I was terrified: this is meant to be a PokeMan game, not a Pokemon game! And the music in the background for that 0.00000000000000000000000001 seconds was Photograph by Nickelback except played in reverse and translated to Georgian (ქართული)! THE HORROR! I assumed this was a glitch, because logic was slaughtered long before this story began.
So then I started playing the game. There was already a save file on it. I deleted it and started a new save file, in case that save file was haunted or something. Then some kid named Ben or something broke into my house and said “You shouldn't have done that...” before vaporizing into 995,342,539,439,420,576,666 oxygen molecules! That was weird! Anyways, most PokeMan games are top down JRPGs, and this one was no exception (you might think that was not necessary; you are correct). But as soon as I moved one step, a random encounter happened. A wild Lasagna appeared! I only had one PokeMan to bring out, one I have never heard of before. Its name was Pmurtdlanod. Huh. Weird. Anyways, as soon as I brought him out, the screen turned red and staticy, and the phrase “I AM GOING TO BUILD A WALL!!!!!1” was screamed out of the speakers of my R-zone (which was a CDI only a few minutes ago). Then the screen turned black, with only this phrase on it, written in hyper-realistic hot sauce, “#giveitbackforham”. Also, in the background was a heavily distorted version of “I Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Like You” by Carly Rae Jespin. Could this be the work of the Illuminati?
After this screen passed, my character appeared in a hallway. I tried walking backwards, but I ran into a sign that said “WRONG WAY, DUMBASS!” How rude! So I walked forwards for exactly 666 minutes. I wanted to stop after 2, but I had nothing else to do, and also the cops would be at my door any minute now due to me crucifying my friend in Iowa, so I wanted to make the most of my freedom. So I walked forwards for a while until a screamer jumpscare happened. What it showed on the screen was horrendous! It showed the face of Satan on the screen... oh, wait, never mind, it was just Jar Jar Binks, my bad. And the noise. God the noise. It was the guitar solo of Hotel California, but it was being played with BAGPIPES! FUCKING BAGPIPES! Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the words that appeared exactly 5.63428 seconds later: I AM GOD.
Ever since that day, I became much more religious. Jar Jar Binks is God, and we must do all we can to appease him. I have become a chosen slayer of Jar Jar, and now I must either get people to convert to my new religion of Jarjarism, or kill them by showing them the absolute horrors of the game known as PokeMan: Licked Dandelion.exe. ყველა სეტყვა ჯემი ჯემი, ის ღმერთია, თუ ჯემი ჯემის ტენდერის გაკეთება არ მოხდება, ჩვენ ყველგან დავასახელებთ ნიუ ჯერსში. ილუმინატი დაადასტურა!!!
Writen by Hyper Realistic Mayonaise